On the set of the submarine movie, famous actress Natasha Krinkova is having an argument with the director. He says the other actors have complained about her three pet porcupines, Fremont, Lodi, and Malibu, who accompany Ms. Krinkova everywhere, including the cramped quarters of this undersea adventure epic.
"The fucking things stink," gripes one of the other actors, a man known for playing kindly uncles and benevolent bosses, but who could curdle milk with his off-camera personality.
"They're wonderful, gentle creatures," protests the famous actress, tilting her chin as she did in Let Me Stand Next To Your Fire, a meandering detective yarn in which she played an extraterrestrial hooker.
"They should be shot," says the kindly uncle actor.
Yesterday was Fremont's birthday, though it's unclear how she knew. She set up streamers and had a concert pianist pop out of a giant birthday cake to play the Beatles ' Birthday for the rodent as it sat there twitching its nose like a palsied bunny with very sharp fur.
"Go play in traffic," sneered the kindly uncle. Fremont raised his quills. Lodi had an accident in the radar room of the submarine set. Malibu wouldn't come out from under a pile of Natasha's kimonos. The concert pianist segued into Octopuses' Garden.
Ms. Krinkova demands that the porcupines be written into the submarine movie. The kindly uncle shoves Lodi into a storage hatch and turns the latch. A fire breaks out in the torpedo bay, which is actually made of painted cardboard. There is panic and the sound of fire extinguishers. Somehow, the actress playing Lieutenant Mitford gets quills in her ass. There are tears and accusations.
Watery Grave is never completed, and sinks the production company. The director's drinking gets worse. The kindly uncle actor wins an Oscar for his work in a subsequent film entitled Lassie In Space. Natasha Krinkova sells her gowns from the musical Chiffon Switchblade and uses the money to set up a trust for Fremont, Lodi, and Malibu, but unfortunately, Lodi wanders off somewhere and Ms. Krinkova sees to it that the nanny never works again. This series of events is hotly debated on line at Am I The Asshole?
quill is sharp but pliant
porcupine enjoys cherry blossom
but stinks like dumpster
(Excerpted from Hollywood Haibun: An Anthology of Japanesque Poetry From The Shelves of The Screen's Biggest Stars by Babs St. Argent, Pompano Publications, 2021)
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I have broken my own rule for Word Garden Word List #16 (Donald Barthelme).
Ha. What a fun morning grin. Thank you. :)
ReplyDelete“Malibu wouldn't come out from under a pile of Natasha's kimonos.” I loved that. Also these:
“Ms. Krinkova demands that the porcupines be written into the submarine movie.”
“Watery Grave is never completed, and sinks the production company.”
“Chiffon Switchblade!” You are adorable! So creative! I enjoyed this very much. <3
I was shocked SHOCKED to see a haibun issuing from the acid Occidental pen of Babs, (who has been dreadfully missed during her long hiatus in the Balkans after that little breakdown thing. ) Can it be, I asked myself, and answered, yes, yes it could if Babs somehow got to the ergot in the grain silos. But all is forgiven, since there are no halibut involved. This is hilarious, Shay, and I don't know how many times I laughed out loud. I love to see this blend of satire and absurdity as only you can write it, even when it makes me inhale my coffee.
ReplyDeleteCackling most appreciatively, though I never thought Fireblossom's pen would ever execute a haiku. This was a hoot, some comic relief we badly need at the moment.
ReplyDeleteHa ha ha!! So that's how you do a Hollywood haibun! Dripping in glamour and razor sharp satire, this made me laugh out loud, Shay, what a hoot :-D
ReplyDeleteI so want to see "Let Me Stand Next To Your Fire, a meandering detective yarn in which she played an extraterrestrial hooker." That is the best strapline!
The fire is made of painted cardboard! The actress gets quills in her ass!
ADORE <3
"Watery grave is never completed and sinks the production company"! This is sheer brilliance Shay among every other scene behind the scenes! We were definitely on the same page but yours is truly clever and entertaining! I think mine is a little juvenile but that seems to be what happens when I get silly! I never thought I would see a Haibun on your blog!! You have made my day my friend!!
ReplyDeleteThat was hilarious. I think Fremont should get his own spinoff movie. Funny that we both wrote Hollywood pieces. "quill is sharp but pliant" indeed. I started to work out a halibut haiku, but mostly ended up with a Filet-O-Fish sandwich at Mickey D's.
ReplyDeleteFamily squabbles can lead to the ruining of a good thing.
ReplyDeleteOops, an honest to goodness that was good Haibun has sneaked its way onto Shay's blog!! It wasn't noticed that I also ADMITTED my straying in that these birds to be Penguins and not the blackbirds.
OKAY, this will be my LAST post until April or later. Wanderlust has captured me. And the BUCKET LIST is real for me, I've not ten more years for sure and perhaps not even five. Five would be okay with me.
Lastly, thanks again for hosting this, I like writing to word lists.
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