A nice beginning, Charles, but perhaps a little bit undecided? You want a good strong direction to your opening. Try to choose one or the other and build on it!
it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness
Please refer to my first remark!
It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity,
Very nice, Charles, but when you read this to the class today, you pronounced "epoch" as "e-poach." The correct pronunciation rhymes with "luck." It was wonderful, though, to see you come out of your shell! :-)
it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness
Unless you are referring to titles or proper names, capitals are not needed here.
it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair
Don't forget that setting is crucial, Charles. What season is it? Do not confuse your reader!
we had everything before us, we had nothing before us
Charles... I can see that you're trying very hard on this assignment. Good for you! However, and once again, you want to be more definite here!
We were all going direct to Heaven,
Oh Charles. Religion is such a touchy subject and in class we want always to be as inclusive as possible. How about "direct to Des Moines" instead?
we were all going direct the other way--
Good, Charles, good! Everyone loves a travel story!
in short, the period was so far like the present period
We'll cover punctuation next week-- periods, commas and so forth. Just stay with your narrative--you can always go back and edit these things later, after we've covered that material.
that some of its noisiest authorities insist on being received, for good or for evil,
Never let your writing lapse into moral ambiguity, Charles. While it's true that the AP English class will be studying "Les Miserables", here we want to stick to basics. Remember, you can't be The Polar Express until you've mastered being The Little Engine That Could!
in the superlative degree of comparison only.
This last sentence seems muddled to me, Charles. Did you mean "degree" as an indicator of the season, as brought up in your earlier line? Moreover, all comparisons should best be accomplished by means of simile and metaphor, not by flat statement.
Charles, don't be discouraged. We all err! You've made a fine beginning here, and with work and patience (and listening in class instead of drawing stick figure soldiers doing battle on the side of the page!) I believe that you can achieve a mastery of basic writing skills! Keep at it. I very much look forward to helping you to learn and improve as the school year continues!
C+
_____________
for Diving Into Margins over at Dverse, with Queen Cool Dora.
Music: 10,000 Maniacs You Happy Puppet
I'm literally rolling on the floor, Shay. You not only nailed the supercilious voice of a school teacher, but a college MFA prof and a thickheaded book editor. As a poke at those annoying figures, this is a masterpiece of the "editorial voice." Never underestimate the intellect of a professional. I enjoyed this enormously!!
ReplyDeleteI agree! This is absolutely stellar in its entirety, Shay! 😍
ReplyDeleteI agree wholeheartedly with Dora, Shay, and your poem had me chuckling too.
ReplyDeleteBeware the literalists and the rule-enforcers who have the souls of accountants and the mouths of jackdaws. Made me smile, of course, but also, some serious and telling critique under the humor.
ReplyDeleteYou have nailed tone and voice to perfection. I so enjoyed this.
ReplyDelete'Teacher, but teacher' ... I can hear Charles laughing, rolling his eyes. Truly entertaining.
ReplyDeleteThis just made me think about how ChatGPT will write a story like this (it wouldn't be better than this)... And as Dora I wonder what an editor would do to innovation in language and style... Reminds me I have to read more Dickens.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant!!! Love it. Teachers don't know everything.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is brilliant! I laughed through this one as I could imagine it all taking place and to think he only got a C+.
ReplyDeleteLOL Shay. No, I’m raising that to a LMFAO! 👌🏼
ReplyDeleteYou made me chuckle. I love how the white lines are a poem all their own. Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteAhahaha! Great Expectations of you as a writer, Charles. “you can't be The Polar Express until you've mastered being The Little Engine That Could!” I’m still working on that myself.
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