Tuesday, March 3, 2009


Some pendejo from the neighborhood

Finds a cure for cancer,

And dandruff,

And invents lojack for lost socks

And just like that, whoopee, King of the World.

Well, if you ask me,

It was just dumb luck.

I knew the dude in first grade.

He ate paste,

And when Jenny McDougall told him to lick the frozen tether-ball pole,

He was gonna do it.

Now he parks his ass in this coffee shop, taking up the whole damn booth,

Waving his arms like a crack-headed baboon.


"When I was on Oprah..."


"When I was on Dateline..."

Til ya wanna shove a fork down his big fat throat.

Now listen, I'm glad he did all that stuff

But madre dios, does he have to talk about it til everybody wants to puke?


Oh, pop your eyes back in your head, you hate him too, you just act like, oh, he's so great cos he got your car started last week.

Well, girlfriend, I can't hang around here,

I got stuff to do.

What, just stuff, ok?

Oh, scuuuse me, I'm not some luck-out fat shithead man, curing cancer and la de da.

I got laundry and then my shows.

Oh, fuck you.

Ha, looking at me like I got lipstick on my teeth or that.

See ya, Gorgeous. Say hi to that man of yours for me. Tell him I said get a job. Yeah well, maybe so, but one that brings in a paycheck.

Love ya. Mwah.

Watch Dateline Boy crack his neck watching my ass on the way out.

Cure that!

Never happen, I'm tellin' ya.



Shadow said...

this is a FUNNY rant. but i'm quite in agreement with you. some people just don't know how to handle fame...

T said...

OMG, I am laughing so hard, I have tears rolling down my face!
Excellent writing. As I was reading this, I kept thinking, " I like this line", then "this line", but it just kept getting better and better.

You ROCK!!

Anonymous said...

That boy is all up in the ego dontcha' know..

Mama Zen said...

Nope, never gonna happen!

Daryl said...

Oh you write good .. real good .. came by to return the visit, I know I will be back ..

Anonymous said...

I always wonder about the couples that were together before one of them got famous - must be hard to see what the big deal is.

Love it.

vicariousrising said...

I dunno. That lojack for wayward socks sounds pretty sexy.

Fireblossom said...

Thanks, ladies. That viejo got no class, I'm tellin ya.

Scarlet said...

I know that viejo...or as we say en el barrio, ese pendejo 'e mierda.

Jannie Funster said...

You realize there are people who can actually pop their eyes in and out of their heads, right?

Have you seen that?

Pouty Lips said...

All I could think about when I was reading this was Tom Cruise jumping up and down on Oprah's couch clapping and saying "I love honey pot."

...looking at me like I got lipstick on my teeth or that.

The pictures you paint are irresistible.

Riot Kitty said...

What is lojack?

Fireblossom said...

Hey Scarlet! For those readers who do not know any Spanish, Scarlet said, "That gentleman may be overestimating himself." ;-)

I just never know what you may say at any given time, Jannie Funster. I just...never know!

So are your comments, Pouty!

RK, lojack is an automobile anti-theft system which places a tracking device on the vehicle. Then, if it is stolen, police can find it.

Jannie Funster said...

And I never know with YOU!!