Saturday, March 27, 2010

The Sinful Green Bean

The sinful green bean grows up in a beautiful garden, with other green beans.

It is naked, and yet not ashamed.

Everything it needs is there--

Sunshine.

Water.

Nitrogen, phosphorus, potassium.


Still, the rebellious, disobedient and very sinful green bean is not content.

It wants to go to New York, Paris, Rio and Las Vegas.

It wants some fine Peruvian cocaine.

It wants a semi-automatic handgun.

It wants a lap dance.


The hand of God reaches down and picks the wicked little green bean and casts it into a basket with other lost legumes.

The sinful green bean is flash-frozen and put inside a sunless place.

"Godammit," says the green bean, who among its other sins, has developed a potty mouth.

Eventually, the willful and wayward green bean is cooked inside a casserole.

Oh misery of heat and suffering!


The sinful green bean was youthful, slender and blessed, but its covetous and selfish nature sent it on a nightmare journey into pyrex hell.

Remember this, when you want something that isn't yours,

Or more than is your lot in life.

Be righteous--

Don't become the devil's side dish.


Go in peace, but come back next week when Fireblossom's nondenominational brimstone church presents:

"The Disrespectful Putty Knife."
_________

31 comments:

Secretia said...

I do feel bad for her because she finally lost everything, trying to have everything.
So well done, Shay, so well done!

Secretia

Ily said...

The Disrespectful Putty Knife...ay, Chica, you should have your own church! xo

Patty said...

A green bean with potty mouth, only you could come up with that Shay. cannot wait for the sequel!

Kay said...

I guess the happiest ending of all would have been to come back to FB next week; however, I was hoping that little bean found his way into the belly and discovered a world beyond means (allighted by his dreams) through the belly of that devil ;) Happy Weekend to you!

ellen abbott said...

It was her lot in life. And I'm sure she was very tasty. Or perhaps her discontent made her bitter and spoiled someone's dinner.

Jeannie said...

Your mind is a wondrous place.

What's your green bean casserole recipe anyway?

Dulce said...

You Goddess have your own religious precepts, concepts and laws... AMEN to all that
Forgive me Goddess I've done wrong---
:)

Talon said...

lol @ the devil's sidedish! If I catch any runner beans trying to break loose in the garden this year, I'm giving them a helping hand.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Oh how I have felt to be the side dish o'the devil at many times...but thankfully that all changed.

Theres' something that I cannot always put in words Shay but your imagination is always inspiring and always amazing and you truly blow me away. I think that this post just proves that...

Oh and I still have the potty mouth...LOL
Love you

Riot Kitty said...

I love how you take ordinary things and make them extraordinary. Green beans who want cocaine!

Scarlett said...

I just bought green beans. Now I feel a bit guilty eating them.

Senorita said...

Thank you for stopping by and commenting on my blog ! I added you to my blogroll and I have some catching up to do.

Cloudia said...

You are GREAT!!!!!!!


Aloha from Hawaii my Friend


Comfort Spiral

spottedwolf said...

I love you.......

Mama Zen said...

Yea though I am smothered in mushroom soup, I will fear no evil.

Kelly Dickson said...

I'm starting the GBWPM fund, and will collect them all up and save them from burning in casserole hell!

what a chuckle you gave me!!!

mac said...

Your bean was lucky! She was probably eaten by a really sweet girl...I could think of worse ways to go ;-)

SharoninWonderland said...

Damn, I love green beans.

Mojo said...

If you think being cooked and eaten was bad, consider the next level of green bean hell!

The heart quails, does it not?

Humor with a moral. Nicely done.

Susan said...

I will no longer hesitate before eating a green bean--I will either end its long and arduous debate with its own nature, or it will end mine. Fun.

Steve King said...

And so a new cosmology is born. I've never thought of myself as an instrument of cosmic balance, but I'll never look at a casserole the same way again. This is a very smart piece. Enjoyed.
Steve K.

Kerry O'Connor said...

I always enjoy the opportunity to read you at your satirical best!

Gail said...

Brilliant

coordinatedmayhem said...

"Don't become the devil's side dish."

Well, this is certainly a new take on my dinner greens. Enjoyed your outside the box view.

cosmos cami said...

Ah poor bean! Very enjoyable read.

hedgewitch said...

LMAO. This is a terrifying moral parable, Shay, eclipsed only by the tale of the Wanton Eggplant who joined a cult and was blanched and frozen in the shape of the face of our Holy Lady of the Aubergines. Thanks for making my day.

Jim said...

Nice one, busy bean. She needs Jack, of Jack and the Beanstalk, to the rescue and return to the normal and good life.
..

Herotomost said...

A baby polar bear asks his mom if he is 100% polar bear. His mom doesn't know so she sends him to his father. He asks his dad if he is 100% polar bear. His dad shakes his head and says...son I really can't answer that, maybe you should ask your grandpa. Sooo...the little bear goes to his grandpa and asks if he is 100% polar bear.

"Why yes you are boy, why do you ask?"
"Because I'm FREEEEEZING!"

Your Green been story had me choking on my Diet Dr. Pepper. And weirdly, that old joke was what came into my head...I know, not that funny.

Kay L. Davies said...

Lindy says to tell you she loves green beans. She has some every evening, and, if she thinks we've forgotten, she reminds us.
She doesn't much mind what kinds of lives they've led, as long as they wind up in her dog dish.
Luv, Kay and Lindy

Margaret said...

The year I had a garden, green beans delighted me no end and I had no wayward sinners as far as I could tell. Poor little green bean.

Now, if you had written about nasty LIMA beans, I'd say they are all the devil's side dish…

hyperCRYPTICal said...

Clever write - I will never view a green bean as innocent again...!
Anna :o]