When Ducks Go Wrong

A duck is arrested for public lewdness.

They take him to the station house and try to fingerprint him but it all turns into a fucked-up mess of feathers and ink

So they say screw it and just book him.

He is given prison pyjamas but refuses to wear the pants, and craps all over his cell.

Ducks' rights advovocates champion his cause and get him a flashy celebrity lawyer.

"These charges are a quack!" he thunders into a forest of microphones. "I mean, a crock!"

He goes on to publicly demand a little wading pool for his client.

In jail, the duck is nervous. Some of the other inmates may be hunters, or chefs!

He cannot even play basketball in the prison yard, because he is as short as a fireplug and, with his webbed feet, can jump about as well. Besides, he is white; no, I mean really white, like a pillow case.

The duck is brought before a judge.

He is still not wearing pants.

The judge touches his temples, obviously becoming headachey, and asks how does the defendant plead? Does he understand the charges against him? Is he able to assist in his own defense?

"Approach, Your Honor?" requests the celebrity lawyer, solemnly. The judge motions him to the bench.

"My client," intones the attorney mellifluously, "is a goddam duck. He does not speak English. He quacks, er, I mean, craps himself, and flies south for the winter.

Furthermore, he has been given only bread and water while in custody."

The judge stares.

"Isn't that what they eat?"

Neither of them knows what to say next. His Honor bangs his gavel and booms, "Case dismissed!"

Outside on the courthouse steps, a crowd greets the freed fowl.

"Hooray!" they cry.

The duck bites a kid trying to pet him, and, flying away, craps on the upturned cameras. 

"Goddam duck," everyone says.

Plus, he is still not wearing pants.

"Fuck a duck," grumbles the prosecutor, walking away.

Meanwhile, the police arrest a foreign national named Babar...


Anonymous said…
Ah, the greatness of the court system!

Shadow said…
wonderful, full steam ahead, shay!!!
Daryl said…
I am so loving this AND it cheered me up .. rain rain rain here .. dreary day but thankfully no snow.. yet
Unknown said…
This is absolutely fantastic for a fanciful Wednesday!!! You are of course the most amazing writer of fanciful phrases and mystical words!!! This though, just plain fun, and of course makes ya go "hmmmm."

Love xoxoxoxo g
Kay said…
Duck better be carefully, upon leaving I do believe he could get charged for assault and indecent exposure....

and what did Babar ever do to anyone????

Very cute.
TALON said…
You really can't blame a duck for not wanting to wear pants. I mean, honestly, who wants to crap their pants?

lol @ Babar the foreign national.

I loved this!
jack sender said…
It held me to the end. Without a doubt it is the best duck’n judge story I’ve read all week.
Riot Kitty said…
LMAO! Remind me to tell you a Babar story.
Mama Zen said…
Line of the day - My client is a goddam duck!
Cloudia said…
You are so good. you better submit some of this material!!!!!!

Aloha, Friend!

Comfort Spiral
Anonymous said…
I always knew that Donald was up to know good.

But I totally think pants are over rated.
Ileana said…
What I wouldn't have given to have been a paralegal in that case! :)

I love the part about the bread and water.

It's all genius, Chica!
mac said…
Absolutely ducky !

If the duck would only realize that this is why he has nothing. Really, it's why NO animals own anything. It's the pants!!

You see, they have no pants so they have no pockets. And no pockets mean they have nowhere to carry their money.
Oh, some of them try. My dog, for instance. I gave her $50 to buy a few toys. But on the way to the store, she found a ball and in picking up the ball, she dropped the money from her mouth (just not room for money and balls). When she got to the store, the clerk refused to accept the ball as payment on those kittens.

If only she had pants !
steveroni said…
FB I could just "SEE" you smile as you came up with the two-worder, as the crowd greeted the "freed fowl"!!!

LOVE it...the whole duckin' thing.
Jannie Funster said…
ha, ha, ha, ha.

I LOVED this!

Lynn said…
This is pretty funny and Babar at the end - perfect!