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"Go to this place," I was told
or perhaps I told myself.
"You will be no one's darling,
and you will always be cold."
So I went, wrapped in damaged flesh.
My mother said, "Let's not show her to the neighbors."
In time, I showed myself,
swinging from our elm like an ape.
"Doesn't she ever stop talking?" someone asked my father,
He answered, "Not if I have anything to do with it." Bless him.
Once grown, I did all the usual things, had all the usual hopes.
Passed out with strangers. Saw spiders on the ceiling.
Angels came in dreams, and as animals.
I was helped by a man in a western shirt, and another with a Fu Manchu.
I decided, more than once, not to kill myself.
I was healed, more than once, simply by asking.
Always, I had roses wrapped in broken glass; I said a million times,
"I can do a thousand things with red, all of them fucking gorgeous."
"Why does she think she cannot be loved, why does she think she is ugly?"
Time said, "Because all the mirrors are warped, and the devil loves constancy."
"Go to this place," I was told,
or perhaps I told myself.
I was gone so long, I stopped believing, except to be certain
that I am no one's darling, and will always be cold.
_______
Image at top is a manipulated image of Sleeping Lady Mountain, Alaska.
Music: Lisa Gerard Sacrifice
Ow. Pain, full circle, heartrendingly drawn. I love the father's comment, which speaks pride and love. And the truth of "Angels came in dreams, and as animals." Online, you are our darling, and I hope you feel the warmth. What an amazing gift you have. I felt every line of this poem.
ReplyDeleteOh, Shay...this is smashing, which is what should be done to those mirrors. This poem is superb and gripping and painful. I hate that you or anyone bleeds from these wounds. You are definitely our darling here online, as Sherry said. I've often thought how lacking this online poetry space would be without your amazing poems; what a giant hole that would be. You are fiery red and gorgeous--that's the Fireblossom I am blessed to know and read!
ReplyDelete"You will be no one's darling,
ReplyDeleteand you will always be cold."
So I went, wrapped in damaged flesh. - that is fantastic.
Reads like a dream-vision wrapped in a nightmare, yet the dream shines bright and luminous still, even in the cold, in unbelief, and in spite of "warped mirrors" and the devil's voice. But your gorgeousness continues, glimpsed in these lines: sing on, my friend! Your beauty is unquenchable, as are your songs.
ReplyDeleteMy gosh, this is unspeakably beautiful. Just wow. Sometimes, your poems are potent as spells and this one is up there. The fact that you can tell a whole fascinating story in a few lines...I love the whole thing but these lines were especially winsome:
ReplyDeleteAngels came in dreams, and as animals.
I was healed, more than once, simply by asking.
Always, I had roses wrapped in broken glass; I said a million times,
"I can do a thousand things with red, all of them fucking gorgeous."
"I am no one's darling, and will always be cold."
🔥🔥🔥
"Angels came in dreams and as animals..." Sometimes that's all we need to hang on until we fill out the shapes of ourselves. Fine writing Shay, of times that are past but always with us.
ReplyDelete