Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Excelsior!



Dear Writer,


Thank you for your recent submission to Jaded Daffodils, the literary publication of East Central Minnesota State Normal School. Our publication receives thousands of submissions for each issue. Choosing the ideal poem to place underneath the current month's International Harvester ad is a task we take very seriously. Unfortunately, we only have space for a single poem. Not all these. Not any of these. No.


Please purchase as many back issues of our magazine as you can, in order to familiarize yourself with work that has been accepted. Also, it would make the Fire Marshall happy if we got rid of some of them.


In future, we urge you not to use red marker to call attention to sections of your work you are especially proud of. Circled exclamations ("Whoa!") are not necessary. In future, please do not submit so very many poems about your cat. While references are useful to prospective landlords or employers, our editors must decline your invitation to call your Aunt Minnie, who is certain of your genius.


We know you did not write "She Walks In Beauty." We know you did not write "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic." Thank you for letting us see them, but we accept only original unpublished work.


Enclosed find personal order of protection prohibiting you from visiting our offices should you find yourself in the ECMSNS area. Thank you for the photograph of you wearing a "Go, Ground Squirrels!" tee shirt. But still.


We wish you every success in your writing career. We wish we had a million dollars. We wish it would rain diamonds and snow cocaine.


East Central Minnesota State Normal School's literary publication Jaded Daffodils is available by post. Send $65 for four quarterly issues to Mrs. Maureen Nordsberg, 22 Black Ice Circle, Sauk Center, MN. You'll receive, as a free bonus, our annual Compendium of Agricultural Verse and this attractive tote.


Sincerely,


James "Jiggy" Jorgensen, editor, Jaded Daffodils



27 comments:

Tabitha Bird said...

LOL- I wish that was a real rejection letter. I'd love to get one of those :)

Ily said...

You had me going there until the "Jiggy" part. ;)

Fun read, Shay! Me gustó. :)

Riot Kitty said...

Hey! *I* wrote the Battle Hymn of the Republic...plagiarist ;)

Cloudia said...

LOL!!!!!!

You are SO good and SO funny, Shay.
I'm glad you are on OUR side!


Aloha, Friend!


Comfort Spiral

Sepiru Chris said...

Dear Fireblossom,

It hurts to laugh, and then you do this to me. Lord love a duck, this is droll.

Of course, my attorney will be contacting you with the writ for damages caused by egregiously inducing laughter in a known invalid with dislocated ribs and torn ligaments.

Prepare to be collecting snow, into July, and tinkly bags of 'rain'.

Tschuess,
Chris

mac said...

Well, what do they know anyway...

Lakes?
tractors?
Wrestling Govenors?
Not so funny senators?

Yeah, that's a lot.

Shadow said...

huh??? mind you, at least i'd smile getting one of these.

Dulce said...

You are cute, funny and soooo intelligent! ♥

Mama Zen said...

I dedicated "She Walks in Beauty" to my cat! When my Aunt Minnie hears about this . . .

Daryl said...

If only the rejection letter writers were really that clever

Kay said...

Looks like an invitation to send in more and go for a visit, perhaps over coffee to discuss potential? haha classicly wonderful! always a delight to read your creative writes! :)

Jannie Funster said...

Oh-oh-lee yoooooo could write this thing of wit that had me laffing our loud.

K said...

I bet there are PR people who secretly wish they could write a letter like that.

You can send your poems to me.

RachelW said...

Yikes!! I wish they actually did put that much care and attention into rejection letters.

Pouty Lips said...

Does this mean we didn't win?

Kerry O'Connor said...

I see what you did here ;-)

You are the tonic the doctor ordered.

Mary said...

Doggone...I guess I won't be submitting my new poem "Stopping By the Woods on a Snowy Evening" then! Sigh.

Laura said...

tooooooo funny!

Hannah said...

Ooo...a tote!!! I love totes! ;)

This was fun Shay, thanks for the morning smiles! :)

Helen said...

LOL ... You know waaaaaaaay too much about Minnie-sota!!!

Marian said...

life is stranger than fiction. this is soooo possible. and just what i needed to read this morning, thank you, Shay :)

Abin Chakraborty said...

This has to be one of the funniest posts I have ever seen.thanks a lot.

razzamadazzle said...

So funny! I love this!

Kimolisa said...

LOL and LMAO, this is too funny. I love it all. I'm going to read it again it's so funny.

Herotomost said...

Bwahahahahahahahahahaha....that is all.

Susie Clevenger said...

LOL Love this rejection letter. I have gotten a few of these...

hedgewitch said...

So, I see you've *always* been like this, Ms Blossom. I commend not only your art of snark, but your consistency. And here you've been trying to lay it all off on this Catblossom individual.

Go, Ground Squirrels. I see it in multi-neon glitter on black.