Saturday, April 11, 2009

A Fable About Oysters

*June 30th, 1985, Michael Phelps born in Maryland, USA.

*2008 Summer Olympic Games, Michael Phelps wins eight gold medals in swimming. Many endorsements follow.

*A short time after the Olympic Games, Phelps appears on a video, smoking marijuana from a hookah pipe or similar apparatus. Some endorsement deals are cancelled.

*July, 2009. Michael Phelps is linked romantically with singer Amy Winehouse. A tumultuous tabloid affair ensues.

*August, 2009. Michael Phelps and Amy Winehouse split.

*August 2009. Michael Phelps regrets the tattoo he got last month.

*September, 2009. Michael Phelps appears on Celebrity Jeopardy!, loses.

*November, 2009, Michael Phelps releases a tell-all book. Sales are marginal, but the pages are waterproof.

*December, 2009. Michael Phelps receives another DUI, loses license.

*December 2009. Michael Phelps crashes his moped on Christmas eve, killing a squirrel. PETA stages a protest march and Phelps receives death threats.

*January 2010. In an attempt to revive his flagging celebrity, Phelps appears on a tv game show called "Fibbin' Amphibians!" Ratings are poor.

*March 2010. Swims upstream, spawns.

*November, 2010. Phelps attempts a movie career, accepting the lead in a film entitled "Creature From The Black Lagoon 2011." He wears a lumpy green costume and nearly drowns during filming when it is discovered that the suit is absorbent, causing the wearer to sink like a stone when submerged. Amy Winehouse also has a small part in CFTBL2011.

*Sued by PETA, Phelps finds himself in financial difficulty. He takes a job selling High Times door to door to make ends meet.

*2011-2012--Phelps drifts in and out of rehab and assorted affairs with series of troubled blond pop singers.

*October 15th, 2013. Phelps' body is discovered in a Motel Six in Paterson, New Jersey, having drowned in the bath tub. The maid is quoted as saying, "He looked kind of familiar."

*October 2nd, 2014. Moses Lang, a rookie for the New York Mets, becomes the first MLB player to hit .400 since Ted Williams in 1941, turning in a nifty .407 batting average. The world is his oyster.



Riot Kitty said...

Ooooooooooh, you're bad!

Mama Zen said...

I'm still choking on the factoid that ANYONE born in 1985 is old enough to have a career, much less trash one by getting caught with a water bong. What was it, A Fisher Price Puff and Giggle?

Scarlet said...

That maid is hilarious! ;)

Anonymous said...

Do you think this stuff up as you walk your route?

Shadow said...

amy winehouse... ooookay. nice imagination here.

Daryl said...

Moses & Oysters in one sentence ... that should bring the Chabad-Lubavitchers ... ;-)

Anonymous said...

I love celebrity future news.

I needed a little pick me up to survive the inlaws this weekend.

Pouty Lips said...

I am still laughing. My favorite parts were him hoofing the High Times door-to-door, him losing his license and crashing his moped, and the maid finding him dead in the bathtub saying he looked familiar. I don't know how you do it, but this is brilliant. OMG, and he swam upstream in 2010 and spawned and my word verification is amenten. It doesn't get much better than that.

Anonymous said...

Very funny

Jannie Funster said...

Yes, I do think she thinks this stuff up as she walks her route!

Fireblossom said...

Well thank you, Twin. I do try. ;-)

LOL, MZ, ain't it the truth?

Scarlet, i was thinking of tv crime shows, where they interview everybody. ;-)

Kristin, yes. That's exactly how this little piece came into being! I kid you not.

Shadow, Amy Winehouse just seems to embody all that is sleazy and ruined, to me.

They wouldn't have far to come, Daryl. The two burbs west of mine are thick with either Hassidics or Amish, I'm not sure. ;-)

Hehe, "celebrity future news" indeed. Good luck with the in law survival, K.

He's a dope, Pouty. LOL, pun intended.

Thanks, Blackbird.

Yup, I already fessed up, Jannie. ;-)