Monday, September 27, 2010

The Undeserving



Because I was not loved, I became clever--

And because I was not touched, I became a spirit.



When I was ten,

I dreamt that it was snowing on the beach.

I was wearing my favorite heavy green coat,

And both the sky and the half-frozen breakers were gray.

I walked straight into the ocean,

And everything that has happened since

Is only what might have been.



I live inside a bolt--

I am the quiet at its center as it searches, always, for the earth.

Are you a woman of the earth?

Are you a lady of the autumn garden, the full table, the fresh loaf and knife?

It doesn't matter.

There is always another storm, and I am sister to the ion, the ozone, the bright strike.



Still, I wish I could deceive you into loving me--

I wish I could curl into cradle wood and feel your hand there rocking this strange sea-child in the midnight.



My wishes are so simple, and so ridiculous.



Shamed, I tell my invented tales to the wind,

Hide in the heart of my bolt,

And stand just beyond the spirit jars in your darkened yard,

A shade,

A thing that is, but never was,

Longing,

Iridescent,

Finally dissolving in the dawn before the hard-practical sunny cruelty

Of what is.

_________

18 comments:

Cloudia said...

"Longing,

Iridescent,

Finally dissolving..."



*Brava! Brava!*





Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral

TALON said...

The poem of someone who never fits in...so beautiful and so sad, Shay.

Pete said...

a wow post for me
love the photo and prose

Fireblossom said...

Prose, n. "ordinary language, not poetry."

It's not prose, Pete.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

I think this is your most brilliant poem yet, if such is possible. They just keep getting better and better. I so know that kind of childhood, and what one carries afterwards. The photo is beautiful, and sad. The poem is beautiful and sad. Being able to write like you do is a great gift. One day you will write your way over the mountain of pain, and walk free and joyous in the laughing sunshine. This is a true fact.

Tabitha Bird said...

Oh my beautiful Shay. This is so beautiful. The images That little girl. Th snow and the ocean. Oh my. I loved it. Please never stop posting your poems.

Cheryl said...

Haunting and real. My soul aches for the child and the woman.

Kelly Dickson said...

*babyK peeks out and comes up behind you* ((((((baby~shay))))))) i commend you for writing this, it deep hues and subtle, soul-moving depth, bravo xxx p.s going to re-read it, as i know i will have missed something first time round x

Kelly Dickson said...

I'm not sure about the title of the poem ;) i love that you chose a blonde girl in the picture, tee hee! That 'what if', that 'if only' - it can break your heart, many times over, but never your spirit... and of course, you know i will say 'you are your own woman of the earth' (now)... love yourself like you love others, from deep within and watch everything else fall into place... * big babyK blue eyes* trust me on that one! xxx

Kay said...

oh, crush my little non-existent heart.... wont you?

so sad. so somber. achingly so, I love.

Daryl said...

this breaks my heart ... and yet it makes me listen harder to that wind

Mama Zen said...

I honestly can't express how beautiful this is. I can't.

Lynn said...

So beautiful - the imagery, everything. I can just see it.

Lisa said...

I welled up instantly, then I smiled big and feel really grateful to have wound up here. You've got some brilliance going on! NICE!

Dayana Stockdale said...

WHOA. that's really all I have to say.

La Belette Rouge said...

The only reason I am glad this poem ended is that I could not breath as I read it. How can one breath when one is witnessing withholding of love. Longing is real, real as shade and real as the power of your words. I couldn't for a moment withhold my deep appreciation of how your whispered words turn into poems which turn into feelings which are as real as what is.xoxo

ellen abbott said...

Oh such longing.

Mojo said...

Oh yeah... she's back. With all the transmogrification spells new and improved.

Love it!