Oh my gosh. It's happ-en-inggggggggg againnnnnn....it's Sunday and I missed church for the umpty billionth straight time. I'm so gonna burn. Sings: baby baby baby light my fie-uh! *dances*
I have to do something good to make up for it. *thinks*...... *thinks hard*..... I know! I could buy subs to Elle and Marie Claire for disadvantaged girls in French Outer Noplace, and receive a photgraph of them reading it in the mail. Yes! But wait, NO! I can just see myself, six months from now, walking down the street in the capital city of Saint Sunscreen, and seeing some presumptuous little witch standing in front of a bodega wearing my same earrings. And then there would be a screaming, hair-pulling catfight in the middle of the street, with both of us bludgeoning each other about the head and body with rolled up copies of the Special Love Your Hair Issue. I'm exhausted beforehand.
SooOOooooo, I have another idea. Oh shut up. Just because the last one involved court appearances and heavy fines, doesn't mean anything. I have decided to do memes! The Kreative Blogger Meme was given to me by the stunningly gorgeous and always interesting Sharon Chaline at Sharoninwonderland. The second I ripped off from, er, I meant to say, admiringly acquired from Senorita. I did this in a shameless attempt to become one of her "snozzleberries, "pancakes", all the things her readers get to be. So sue me; I bet it works! Eat my pancake make-up, bitches, I'm in with the in crowd, and stuff.
Now for the memes.
For Sharon's Kreativ Blogger Meme, I have to say seven things about myself. *closes eyes and goes, "i DO believe in memes, i DO i DO i DO!"....*
1. Unless it is a dangling participle, if it is broken, I can't fix it. This is why Goddess, in Her infinite wisdom, created men. Unfortunately, I don't know what to do with them, either. I have learned NOT to say, "Wow, it's weird looking. It reminds me a little bit of Babar the elephant. Can you eat peanuts with it?"
2. The funniest film I have ever seen is Laurel & Hardy's "Big Business." Our heroes go around Los Angeles trying to sell Christmas trees from their car. It isn't going well. Then they get into a hysterical tit for tat with a homeowner. He destroys their car while they destroy his house. No, Steven Seagal isn't in it. It's funneeeeeee!
3. I absolutely love the Kia Sorrento commercial with the child's toys from the back seat going around bowling and getting tattoos and stuff. How ya like me now? Oh yeah....
4. Mama Zen's is my favorite blog and always has been. This is one of the immutable laws of the universe. That, and the fact that once a week I will plug in the coffee maker but forget to switch it on. Hey Shay, how about a nice cold cup of... nothing. Niiiiiiiice. *smax forehead*
5. The first LP I ever bought for myself was Chicago II. I know. I know. I have been living with the shame ever since.
6. My current favorite song is Train's "Soul Sister." Thank you, Gabi. I love you so much it's ridonkulous. Gabi is the only person I know who is both an inspiration and the owner of dogs with secret retractable opposable thumbs. Her pugs have gone global, preparing everything from Asian to PBJs when she isn't at home. I'm buying them little chef's hats. I so am.
7. I have chosen not to take that first drink of anything containing alcohol today. The fact that I have a choice in the matter astounds me, and activates the little gratitude feelers in my forehead. Thank you, Goddess. Lead on, Woman!
Okay, asleep yet? No? Hellllllllp, I'm talking and I can't shut up. I'm getting... so... dizzy....someone... make me...stoppppp.......
I can see that the hardiest among you have stayed alive by eating the bark from trees and fashioning crude strappy sandals from animal hides and twine. Come with me, then, into the world of Senorita's strangely STD-like meme. (hey, she said that, not me. I'm just Fireblossom, girl reporter.)
Things I won't ever be:
1. A Tea Partyer.
2. Straight. (What happens if I go like this with it? Did I hurt you? Okay okay, I'll stop.)
3. Conventional. (Sorry, Mom! But the Rick Warren book makes a wonderful doorstopper.)
4. A Methodist. (Again, I mean. ZZzzzzzzz.)
5. A scrapbooker. (I won't even try it. Not even once. I'm afraid I might not be able to stop, or that I would commit a social faux pas and huff the glue or something.)
Things I refuse to give up:
1. My subscription to Curve magazine. Lesbian culture. Taking over. With our agenda. Everyone in plaid flannel shirts and bad haircuts by the year 2015. ;-)
2. Suzie Q's. Keep your carrot sticks. Leave me alone.
3. My soul. Many have tried and failed to kill it or change it. That's them, behind me, with the Excedrin headaches. How ya like me now? Oh yeah.... *dances*
4. My sentimental war trophies. Cards. Presents from women who loved me and thought I was wonderful, at least until their show came on or they went back to men or they stopped huffing Mile Maker Supreme or whatever. *sniff* I keep all that stuff.
5. My sobriety. For any reason whatsoever.
Things I won't be doing any time soon:
1. Watching Glenn Beck. As his brains turn into thousands of tiny scrubbing bubbles, he can flip upside down and use that godawful hair to get out the really tough stains in bath tubs and fixtures. What a dumbass.
2. Buying a brand new yellow VW beetle with a black rag top. But I'd like to.
3. Taking my Joan Jett "Ladies of the 80s" Barbie doll that I got from Twin out of my living room. I love that thing! Ohhhhhh... now I don't hardly know her. But I think I could love her. Crimson and cloverrrrrrr. (insert audio clip of dogs howling) . Joan. *swoooooon*
4. Playing the lottery. I will make my life different if it needs to be different, thank you very much. I would rather place my faith in myself than in Powerball.
5. Spending 24 hours at a luxury hotel with Eva Larue. But I wish I were!
And finally, things I am thankful for:
2. dark chocolate
3. chicas who call me on the telephone
4. people who comment on my posts
5. my dog Bosco, who is the best dog in the entire world, so there. My role is to serve him. Yes, it's true. I'm the help!
Wowww, you made it all the way to the end. I'm impressed! A kotc for you. I do love ya, you know that, right? Uh huh, I mean YOU, Ily. Talon. Secretia. Patty. Mac. Ellen. Vesper. Tammy. All my dear and wonderful readers. Mwah!