Wednesday, February 16, 2011

A Girl's Gotta Do...

Medea is sitting inside Danny's Coffee shop on a Wednesday morning.

A PTA mom is standing at the to-go counter. She is not wearing pyjamas. She is not without perfectly applied make-up. Her blonde hair is not natural,

And looks as if you could reach out and snap a piece off.

She is in the middle of haranguing Denise the waitress about her very particular order. She has been staring unseeingly at Medea while carping in such a grating voice that it

Shorts out half the appliances in the place,

But all at once, a light seems to go on inside her head, even as many of the overheads are going out.

"Oh my god," she says. "You're Medea."

Medea sighs. "And....?"

"Annnnnnnnd," drones the PTA mom, "you killed your kids! Oh my god!"

Medea makes that big-eyed, curl-lipped face, gives her head a little shake, and mimics the mom. "Ohmuhgaw. You kiyerkidz!"

It's true. She did.

You see, Jason scored the Golden Fleece, blah blah, but had to do three tasks,

And so she helped him yolk the fire-breathing cows (a good vet could have cleaned their teeth and fixed that) by giving them this dope she cooked up,

And then helped him plant an army, which was dragon's teeth that turned into...

You really want to hear all this? Okay okay.

...that turned into an army, so she pitched this Pet Rock thing she got at the Dollar Store in among them,

And cos they were a pack of dumbasses anyway, they all went, "whoa, from whence doth this rock appear?" and when nobody materialized to give them the answer, 

They went nuts on each other and defeated themselves.

Jason was all, "Pretty good right? Dja see me do that?" when it was all Medea.

So then some other stuff, bullshit bullshit bullshit, 

And he said he'd take her to Las Vegas and marry her, but he found some chippie named Glaucoma, or Glauca, or Glenda Goodwitch or whatever, who said she was a king's daughter, but

He was only the Used Car King, like that's this big deal, 

But like I was saying, he did Medea wrong after she did all that junk for him and so she had to do something, am I right?

So she offed their kids.

Yeah, I know. But still!

I mean, what was she supposed to do, be all "Jason honey, follow your star!" and hand him over to that little homewrecker? Um, nooOOOooo. I so don't think so.

Plus she kind of killed her brother in law or somebody,

And did this trick where she made an old ram into a young one and it jumped out of the stew (I think she just didn't microwave it long enough, or on half power, or something), and that got these two dim bulb girls to off their parents, but she never touched the parents herself, I swear,

But people are all omg about that, too.

And now the PTA mom is standing there and totally judging.

Honey, if I had roots like that, I'd be googling local salons, but whatever.

So then, after three tries, Denise gets this chick's order just right, like it had to be this certain way or the world was gonna end, and PTA mom takes it all huffy and pays and hits the street.

"What a bitch!" says Denise the waitress.

"I know, right?" agrees Medea.

Then they are laughing,

And the lights come back on

On a Wednesday morning

At Danny's Coffee Shop.




hedgewitch said...

I don't think I ever will look at that particular myth stream in quite the same way. Quite the Homeric (Simpsonish?) epic. "From whence doth this rock appear??"

I have learned not to come here while still drinking coffee or another set of pajamas would have been ruined with this one.

Lynn said...

lol! Love it - especially the part about her roots. :)

jen revved said...

Please, stop... my ribs ache. I can barely see from exhaustion, in the middle of my own little rant on the blog this a.m. and now this?

Would you send me a few poems and a bio to and let me feature you at Loquaciously Yours? xxxJenne'

Eric 'Bubba' Alder said...

Funny how blasé they were about such things in the myths, but when it's taken in a more modern context it really stands up and demands notice.

Another brilliant piece, Shay. You're an endless font of these.

Fireblossom said...

I'd be honored, Jen.

Jannie Funster said...

"kind of killed" someone. I hate when that happens, that "kind of killed" thing, hanging in limbo between coldblooded murder and reckless endangerment.

"jumped out of the stew (I think she just didn't microwave it long enough, or on half power, or something)" I'm making everybody's day laughing here at the library.


ellen abbott said...

stupid PTA mom...who is she to judge!

Raven said...

Once again I'm LMFAO! That is a great take on that myth. I loathe PTA moms.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

SO much cackling!!!!! You are too hilarious! I love the conversational tone....the omg's.....the "like"s, the blah blah's and bullshit's......loved it all. Big grin on my face! You are too entertaining, you should be doing this on a stage somewhere and, like, slaying them in the aisles. Seriously. By the way, the side remark about a good dentist just fractured me:)

Mama Zen said...

People can be so judgy, you know? OMG!

La Belette Rouge said...

Bullfinch just called you and they want you to rewrite all of the myths. My personal favorite image is hair that could be snapped off. You, my friend, know how to write in a way that an entire visual world is conjured. I love how you do that!xo

Cloudia said...

sometimes you go over my spacey head but I wanna press my nose against Danny's glass and feel like part of things... did I faux pas?

Attended our Senate session that FINALLY passed civil unions on to the gov who will sign....I'm emotional today. WTF?

Way Too Fun? Where's the fishcake?

TALON said...

I've missed Danny's...

Glaucoma? lol! Shay, you're one in a billion :)

Ami Mattison said...

Absolutely hilarious! Loved it! As always, clever and imaginative!