Reanimated Lavender Granola Switchblade Nun rides again.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015


J. Prudent Anderson Pennyfarthing was many things.
He was a business man, a board member, a church elder, a Jaycee and a notary public.
"What, for immortality?" wondered J. Prudent aloud.
"What for the Divine, what for beauty, what for posterity?" he fairly shouted.

His basset hound looked up, startled, then set its head back down on its paws, bored already.

J. Prudent Anderson Pennyfarthing was disturbed by many things,
and cited the breakdown of traditional methods and mores as the culprit.
Like Noah, like Moses, indeed, like an avenging angel
(if avenging angels wore suits and drove BMWs),
J. Prudent decided to honor God by creating His very visage carved in stone.

Behold! After ten long years of back-breaking labor
(performed by a certain Juan Martinez, paid under the table at an appallingly puny rate),
the Divine Visage was complete.
The Deity Himself scowled grandly down His nose at all and sundry,
from a marble base in the middle of the park.

However, there were unforeseen problems.

Some disrespectful wag had soon spray painted "Jenny C. puts out"
with a phone number, on the lower portion of God's right cheek.
Someone else glued a Q-tip to His ear.
Yet another miscreant used a permanent marker to black out one of His teeth.
Finally, a pair of robins built a nest under His mighty brow,
and their droppings marred the Visage with gooey white tears,
not to mention the ceaseless racket of the baby birds.

All of this began to affect J. Prudent Anderson Pennyfarthing's health. 
He developed a tumor under his left eye, which gave the impression of a permanent wink.
This same growth stretched the skin at one side of his mouth,
so that J. Prudent seemed also to be grinning suggestively.
The fury in his eyes!
The pain in his demeanor!
The poor man could no longer sit down without homosexuals mistaking his expression
and sending over drinks.
How he suffered!

Even the basset hound found it necessary to relieve himself on the monument.  

In time, the Divine Visage cracked and fell apart, leaving half a head staring dolefully,
and the other crumbling in the crabgrass.
J. Prudent Anderson Pennyfarthing died,
and no one remembered that the purpose of the Visage had been to elevate morals.
It was sad, and very tough shit, you know?
Oh well.

For "History Is Twistery: Folly", a challenge by the fierce Viking chick we know as Hedgewitch, at Real Toads.   



  1. Had to wait for about 90 seconds till my convulsive guffawing and snorkling calmed down enough to allow me to operate the keyboard--that last line !!! I about died, girl--such sympathy, nay, milk of human sarcasm, is hard to find these days, just like His left eyebrow, buried in the rubble. I'm not sure which set me maniacally cackling more, the free drinks for J. or the tasteful relief of the basset hound. Thanks so much for taking the prompt and running way way past left field with it and into the satirical stratosphere, Shay.

  2. Well then... this was definitely worth the wait :D
    Agreed with Hedgewitch, its magnificent in its satire!! Loved it :D

  3. I laughed so hard through this entire piece. You have captured my mood as of late. As an a side...Lately I have had plenty of people...well, family, telling me I am going to hell. You know, sharing the love of Jesus.

  4. You have bested Ozymandias, all before lunch!

    ALOHA from Honolulu,

  5. Yes, I am snorfling slay me. Do it again, as soon as possible. I especially loved the leering and the homosexuals sending him over drinks. LOL.

  6. Cheers, to the basset hound~

  7. Ha. I'm willing to mark my sympathy for the Basset hound on the dear Gentleman's headstone.

  8. Oh, what a great read! Adore it all of course, and I think the thing I love most is the gentleman's name - pure genius!

  9. grins conspiratorially, goes to take a wizz on the old man's stone head. ~

  10. ROFL!!

    That was so good.. I'm wiping the tears from my eyes.

  11. Heheh...
    Reminds me of the quote by Anne Lamott, " "You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do."

  12. The poor dear! What's a creator to do. Thanks. k.

  13. I truly began to feel sympathy for this man who distorted beauty in his philosophy, his statue and himself. And I'd say something really wise if I weren't laughing so hard.

  14. You nut! I've been dying to get over here and read this. By the time the basset hound relieved himself on the monument, I was rolling!

  15. bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha {inhaling} ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!


Spirit, what do you wish to tell us?