Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Pitch



My Darling,

I love you 33% more than the ordinary brand.

You are artificially sweet

To protect against tooth decay.

When your love spills my way,

I am more absorbent than competing towels, and am available in these designer rolls that you'll feel proud to display in your kitchen and bathroom.

When you are near me, I report increased satisfaction, as compared with the control group.

If you tire of me, I fold up for easy storage!

Take me out again when company arrives, one recipe serves twelve.


Our love is not available in stores.


Listen to this former NASA astronaut tell you why you are out of this world!

Try my devotion in original or delicious instant.

When you kiss me, my symptoms may include, but are not limited to,

Vertigo, excitability, difficulty falling asleep, altered affect and muscle weakness.

Our love is not for everyone. Ask your doctor if it is right for you.


Try my undying affection.

If not completely delighted, simply return unused portion of product in original packaging, with bar codes, for a full and cheerful refund.

Some conditions may apply.

Keep out of the reach of children and pets.

Void after 90 days.

Coupons doubled up to one dollar!

Discount may not be combined with other offers.

Call for my colorful brochure. Press "1" for details in Spanish.

Free 30-day trial!

Allow 6-8 weeks for delivery.

Hurry! Limited time offer.

Don't be fooled by cheap imitations.

Order now and receive, absolutely free, this handy wrench set.

Never shave again!

This offer not available in Canada.

18 comments:

Tabitha Bird said...

LOL fireblossom! Love the free wrench set that you give away too! :)

Rick said...

This was hilarious, Fireblossom! Made my night.

Mama Zen said...

Serves 12, huh?

Riot Kitty said...

You are so awesome, Twin!

ellen abbott said...

I think you are watching entirely too much TV!

The Grandpa said...

Move over, Omar Khayyam.

Elizabeth Bradley said...

Call now!

Sepiru Chris said...

Dear FB,

Do you know Meryn Cadell? Lovely singer and lyricist. This reminds me a bit of him.

I must say, my eyebrows were raised at the same point as Mama Zen's were, too...

Tschuess,
Chris

*takes out billfold*

Shadow said...

your imagination has no boundaries... lovely!

Dulce said...

Oh MY GOOOOOD!
Hey I was missing you Now I know why... You are unique!!!!

I love the offer!

Daryl said...

Ah .. that was delightful .. a trip on the Shay express .. all aboard for the return trip ... xo

Gabriella Moonlight said...

All I can say is: "do not taunt happy fun ball"

Love Gabi

Cloudia said...

Seriously
somebody's got to discover you, Shay.

This is seriously, scary GOOD stuff.

just, WOW. Don't under rate it because you can do it.


Aloha, Friend!


Comfort Spiral

The romantic query letter and the happy-ever-after said...

Right, I'll have none of that not available in Canada nonsense. NATO is in place for just this sort of thing, so I kindly ask that you reconsider for I'm too polite a Canadian to demand it.
You take care.

Ily said...

It doesn't get better than this, Shay...or does it? ;)

I'm dialing 1 for the brochure in Spanish.

Fireblossom said...

FireblossomCorp appreciates all of your comments and has entered you in the FBCorp million dollar sweepstakes!

Vesper said...

Why not in Canada? :-) :-) :-)

Pouty Lips said...

Hi, Fireblossom here for...love.