Daddy's In His Shop

Daddy's in his shop
With the gadgets and the glop,
Toiling all the afternoon
To turn potatoes into shoes.

His coffee's laced with paint
All the better to enable
Him to fix his extra eye
Which had fallen on the table.

He doesn't eat his sandwich
Kindly placed at his right hand.
When you ask him what he's doing,
He says, "you wouldn't understand."

Electric charges bring the largest cat you've ever seen
Back from the brink to have a drink of flaming kerosene.
Then it eats some rotten meat and gaks up on the floor...
When daddy takes its heart for parts, it will not gak no more.

The missing neighbor
Is used for labor--
He claps on and claps off.
The answering machine
Eats aubergines
But has a nasty cough.


There are nails in a jar, petroleum and tar,
And little screws rolling loose;
Elbow joints and old toast points
Plus a railroad train caboose.


Daddy's in his shop
Of a Sunday afternoon,
He doesn't give a shit about the grandkids;
He pees in a can,
Sleeps in a sedan,
And lines his hat with old can lids.

_________

Fireblossom does not understand "puttering." 
No cats were harmed in the writing of this poem.
Photograph by Rob Hanson for One Shoot Sunday. 

Dinner At Eight

The awful cook makes feetloaf;
And for dessert, a layer snake.

The terrible servants serve it;
Each course out of order and late.

We all sit down
And choke it down,
Then summon the incompetent doctor.

He pronounces us well
Though we itch and swell,
Then departs via helicopter.

The horrible host says goodnight by post
Three weeks later by standard form...

We're invited to dinner again next winter,
Alfresco in the howling storm.

_______

for One Shot Wednesday

Gladys Edna Croppelbottom

Gladys Edna Croppelbottom

Full of grace and whatnottelbottom,

Leaves everyone besottelbottomed

And to most things says whynottelbottom?

Gladys Edna Croppelbottom

Once she starts, won't stoppelbottom,

By S&M is not shockelbottomed

And is a well-known toppelbottom.

Such a lady

A genuine star--

You can see her ride by

In her fifty-foot car.

Gladys Edna Croppelbottom

Was once A-Lula Be-Boppelbottom,

But she died on an Everest outcroppelbottom

When she didn't notice the droppelbottom.

________

The name "Gladys Edna Croppelbottom" is the product of the twisted mind of Helen T. ;-)

The superfluous picture of Jordana Brewster is for you, Mac. :-)

"Be-Bop-A-Lula" sung by Gene Vincent.

________

Canada

Canada becomes belligerent.

Led by Wayne Gretzky, the aggressive new expansionist regime sends its armies pouring across the border into Minnesota.

So many Lutherans!

The land of ten thousand lakes becomes the new Poland, overrun by its neighbor and vanquished in a week.

Truth be told,

The Minnesotans barely look up from their hockey games,

Most of them believing they were already Canadian anyway.

Moose peer out of the woods, amazed!

Next, the Gretzkyist government in Ottawa sets its sights on Michigan.

The White House, occupied elsewhere, shrugs.

The RCMP rounds up the governor and her cabinet;

A kangaroo court is convened.

The mayor of Detroit escapes by night, with the help of his disgraced predecessor.

Investigating agents, sent in from Toronto,

Discover that the Red Wings are actually Swedish!

Apple pie is banned.

Donuts appear everywhere!

Canada, shrouded in snow and mystery,

Is a riddle to most Americans.

The invaders, with their strange accents, mobilize from Detroit,

Which they call "Detroy-it."

Ohio trembles.

Exotic French-speaking women, wearing half the creatures of the forest around their shoulders,

Hypnotize the world and neutralize resistance.

Can anything stop the Canadians?

Americans, driven nearly mad at the prospect of having nothing but "The National" to watch at ten o'clock,

Wonder,

Will Cincinnati fall?

Atlanta?

Will Miami be annexed and renamed New Hamilton?

Gretzky gloats.

The White House wobbles but does not fall down.

In Detroit, the puppet government reports temperatures in centigrade.

Confusion!

Upheaval!

Queen Elizabeth on the money!

Loonies resting in every palm.

Regardez! La guerre est ici!

__________

Pitch

My Darling,

I love you 33% more than the ordinary brand.

You are artificially sweet

To protect against tooth decay.

When your love spills my way,

I am more absorbent than competing towels, and am available in these designer rolls that you'll feel proud to display in your kitchen and bathroom.

When you are near me, I report increased satisfaction, as compared with the control group.

If you tire of me, I fold up for easy storage!

Take me out again when company arrives, one recipe serves twelve.

Our love is not available in stores.

Listen to this former NASA astronaut tell you why you are out of this world!

Try my devotion in original or delicious instant.

When you kiss me, my symptoms may include, but are not limited to,

Vertigo, excitability, difficulty falling asleep, altered affect and muscle weakness.

Our love is not for everyone. Ask your doctor if it is right for you.

Try my undying affection.

If not completely delighted, simply return unused portion of product in original packaging, with bar codes, for a full and cheerful refund.

Some conditions may apply.

Keep out of the reach of children and pets.

Void after 90 days.

Coupons doubled up to one dollar!

Discount may not be combined with other offers.

Call for my colorful brochure. Press "1" for details in Spanish.

Free 30-day trial!

Allow 6-8 weeks for delivery.

Hurry! Limited time offer.

Don't be fooled by cheap imitations.

Order now and receive, absolutely free, this handy wrench set.

Never shave again!

This offer not available in Canada.

Jello Man!

Jello Man takes on the Forces of Evil

And gets fucking creamed.

A committee is formed to analyze what went wrong and to develop possible solutions.

This committee meets bi-monthly for an hour via teleconference; it is strictly bring-your-own-donuts.

The committee issues a five hundred page report of its findings, which becomes available some three years later, but no one cares or reads it.

Promotions are given out across the board.

Disillusioned, Jello Man gives himself over to alcohol and sex.

"Jello shots!" scream the girls.

Ruined and in pieces, Jello Man crawls into the desert to meditate.

Unfortunately, in the heat, he melts altogether.

"He had no backbone!" snipes his ex-wife in her horrid smoker's voice.

"I thought he was sweet," offers one of the party girls.

"I could have protected him," insists the kindly jello mold.

Meanwhile, the Forces of Evil run amok.

Enter: Macaroni Man!

Emerging dramatically from a steaming colander, and draping himself in delicious melted cheddar,

Macaroni Man fears no one!

"Look at his elbows. He's not straight!" sniffs the preacher.

"Eww. Cheesy," says the fashion maven.

"Hoorayyyy!" shout children everywhere.

Macaroni Man, Hope of the Universe, takes on the Forces of Evil!

They have him for lunch.

Damn.

________

Excelsior!

Dear Writer,

Thank you for your recent submission to Jaded Daffodils, the literary publication of East Central Minnesota State Normal School. Our publication receives thousands of submissions for each issue. Choosing the ideal poem to place underneath the current month's International Harvester ad is a task we take very seriously. Unfortunately, we only have space for a single poem. Not all these. Not any of these. No.

Please purchase as many back issues of our magazine as you can, in order to familiarize yourself with work that has been accepted. Also, it would make the Fire Marshall happy if we got rid of some of them.

In future, we urge you not to use red marker to call attention to sections of your work you are especially proud of. Circled exclamations ("Whoa!") are not necessary. In future, please do not submit so very many poems about your cat. While references are useful to prospective landlords or employers, our editors must decline your invitation to call your Aunt Minnie, who is certain of your genius.

We know you did not write "She Walks In Beauty." We know you did not write "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic." Thank you for letting us see them, but we accept only original unpublished work.

Enclosed find personal order of protection prohibiting you from visiting our offices should you find yourself in the ECMSNS area. Thank you for the photograph of you wearing a "Go, Ground Squirrels!" tee shirt. But still.

We wish you every success in your writing career. We wish we had a million dollars. We wish it would rain diamonds and snow cocaine.

East Central Minnesota State Normal School's literary publication Jaded Daffodils is available by post. Send $65 for four quarterly issues to Mrs. Maureen Nordsberg, 22 Black Ice Circle, Sauk Center, MN. You'll receive, as a free bonus, our annual Compendium of Agricultural Verse and this attractive tote.

Sincerely,

James "Jiggy" Jorgensen, editor, Jaded Daffodils

The Danger With Doughnuts

The danger with doughnuts

Is that they have no heart.

Postulations by pastries

Tend to fall apart.

Memoirs by muffins

Can be a crumby read,

And bagels are so boastful

It gets tiresome indeed.

Butter churns the rumor mill

While jam is always sweet.

Stale stuff may make you ill

As you stagger to the street.

The baker ate and ate and ate

Then he ate some more,

He tried to kiss the pastry chef

But got stuck inside the door!

___________

Estrogenia

I received this reply to a response I had made for travel information:

• Thank you for inquiring about points of interest in Estrogenia and for information regarding Estrogenic culture!
• Every 28 days, don't miss the Feast of Saint Midol. Don't forget to estrogenuflect!
• Visit an Estrogenic Art Fair! Go through the tunnel to the famous cavern where local artists create estrocentric art! Doughnuts and Lifesavers available!
• Did you know...that there is no word in Estrogenic for "no"?
• But there are 573 words for "shop".
• Only one Camaro automobile has ever been sold in Estrogenia. But 502,349 bright yellow Volkswagen 'beetles" were sold in the first three days of last week.
• Tiny Estrogenia leads the world in chocolate consumption.
• The official language of Estrogenia is Snark.
• Estrogenic army knives include an eyelash curler, an emory board for nails, and a cell phone.
• No one knows what the Estrogenic national anthem is called, but you can dance to it.
• Estrogenia is bordered by Testosto Rica. If Testosto Ricans run out of wars to fight, they furiously attack themselves. Their chief export is bananas.

______________

My Mash Note To The RCMP

The RCMP is notified

Of serious crimes

In northern climes.

Saskatchewan just isn't there--

RCMP suspects

Grizzly bears.

Ottawa is sorely vexed--

What's up out west?

Is Manitoba next?

Toronto has run out of maple leafs--

Alberta's low on

Indian chiefs.

Montreal has a certain je ne sais quoi--

And is being held hostage

By Patrick Roy.

To Newfoundland, RCMP is sent

To find out where

That half hour went,

And also to work on a spate of crimes

Originating in

The maritimes.

Oh Canada, home and native land,

RCMP

Always gets their man.

Mounties in black boots and uniforms red,

Any chance you'd pursue

This woman instead?

_______

The Note C.M. Left For Andy

Carrots see what is hidden from thee,

Corn is simple and sweet.

Peas agree that hiding is best,

And are exceptionally quick on their feet.

Beets sit and bitch

And drone on and on.

Brussels sprouts won't say

Which side they're on.

Asparagus

Looks on in disgust.

Celery can't be

Easy to trust.

Lima beans make a scene,

And their language is foul.

Lettuce is roughage

And good for the bowel.

Tubers start rumours,

And yams say I certainly am!

But French green beans live beyond their means,

While insisting they certainly do not!

Vegans are violently

Opposed to meat.

Radishes have nothing

And are out on the street.

My vegetable love,

I don't mean to be coy--

But the truth is, my dear,

I'm leaving you for soy.

__________

Egg Speaks

"I can't help still having a soft spot for Pan," says Egg, in an interview.

"Pan was the one who brought me out of my shell,

And when we touched, well! Things heated up in a hurry."

Egg looks wistful for a moment, then continues.

"But just when I was feeling solid in our relationship,

Just when I felt so sunny,

Pan dumped me."

A little drop of yolk slips down her face.

"It wasn't pretty after that.

First there was Plate, who was cold.

Then there was Fork, who was even worse, and left me in pieces.

I thought," says Egg, bravely,

"That I might be consumed entirely. But I wasn't."

Egg brightens.

"That was when I met Mayo and Mustard.

After the terrible loneliness of my post-Pan days, I finally felt that I was a part of something larger than myself."

Egg smiles shyly.

"I suppose you could say those were my salad days."

"But I never really forgot my first love, Pan.

Oh I know, he's heated it up with Bacon and Hash Browns and who-knows-who since we split up,

But I'll always love him anyway.

Pan was such a hottie."

The audience, mostly women, go "Awww," and several of them fumble in their bags for a tissue.

Oprah leans closer to Egg and asks gently,

"What about Chicken? The media has portrayed you as everything from bitter rivals, to being as close as mother and daughter. They even link Chicken and Pan romantically. Egg, what do you have to say about all of that?"

The audience gasps.

Oprah's face is alive with empathy.

The camera zooms in.

Egg speaks.

"Oh, Chicken just got her feathers ruffled because, with Pan, she knows that I came first."

_________

My Little Pony

My little pony

Abhors sanctimony

All he wants is sunshine and a carrot

He won't claw the chair

Or trip you on the stair

Nor hang around the cage and scare the parrot.

________________________________________

pony image courtesy of thisplaceisazoo.com

________________________________________

Mother Goose

Little Bo Peep

Says bugger these sheep,

Gets in her Subaru and heads downtown

Little Miss Muffet

Tells her old man to stuff it,

Now she's an icon of the fashion underground

The Queen of Hearts

Says I can't stand tarts,

I want a double mocha latte and a scone

While the Woman In The Shoe

Says forget the lot of you,

I want a Second Street loft to call my own

By page ninety-nine

Mother Goose gets out of rhymes

And starts a trendy vegan bistro on the strand

And quick as you like

They all become dykes,

And in the evenings they're an all-woman band.

______________________________________