Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Unfortunate Subscription



The sister in law brought it on herself. That's what the woman told the police just after the fat one had placed his great mitt on top of her head and pushed her down into the back seat of the cruiser,

As if she were a prank snake being jammed back into its can.


The guests' faces are striped with red and blue, from the flashing gumball machines on the police cars, or from

Blood and apoplexy, who can say?

Santa bears have been knocked off the stairs and lay gaping on their backs in the front yard,

While the figures in the nativity scene appear pale and shocked.


The sister in law had been saying:


My Frank received a substantial bonus this year.

We're going snorkeling in the Azores.

Bobby was accepted at both Yale and Stanford.

We're all on diets.

Madison has decided on pre-med.

We're just busy busy busy! she'd added with a little chuckle and toss of her head, as if the cute charm of it all had invisibly nudged her slightly sideways.


The fat cop prompts:


So that was when you attacked her?


Yes.


What weapon did you use?


A rolled-up Redbook. It had holiday cookies on the cover. They were supposed to depict each of the eight reindeer.


Reindeer?


Yes. If you made twenty-four cookies, there would be three of each reindeer.


The cop writes this down, then says,

That sounds more like Good Housekeeping than Redbook.


I want a lawyer, says the woman. Then she clams up.


Christmas is over.


Ornaments and lives have been destroyed.


The Santa bears are not washable.


Happy holidays.

________

16 comments:

Elizabeth Bradley said...

Oh yes, this post is just what the doctor ordered.

RachelW said...

he,he,he
Yep, she probably had it coming. Life's too good!

Talon said...

When it's all good, you just KNOW it's going to get all bad really quickly. I think most people want to wipe the smug smile off someone's face at least once - no, make that at least twice - in a lifetime.

Good Housekeeping rather than Redbook - that was brilliant!

Steve E said...

When ya top out, there's always someone with an ax to chop ya down...

Many years ago, back on the farm, when I'd be out all day long in the muck and mire (playing, and sniffing muriatic acid) they said of me, like the Santa Bears, "He's not washable!"

HAPPY NEW YEAR, Sweet FireBlossom!
See you in 2010.

Riot Kitty said...

Ooooh! Babs would NOT be pleased. :)

Shadow said...

the dark side of the holidays... and shay? have a safe and happy new year!

ellen abbott said...

The toss of the head was obviously the last straw.

Wishing you a wonderful new year, new decade.

Mama Zen said...

Perfect, perfect, perfect!

~ Tabitha ~ said...

Stopping by to wish you a kick ass creative customized new year,Fireblossom ;)

Ps.How do you add music here ?!
I love it!

Dulce said...

Oh but I had an ilusion..!
Great post sad, and cruel though...

Happy New Year SHAY dear!

Gerry Boyd said...

Hysterical!

Cloudia said...

Justifiable!


Aloha, dear Shay
Hauoli Makahiki Hou (Happy New Year)

Comfort Spiral

Vesper said...

Excellent!

Happy New Year, Shay!

Be healthy, be happy, be creative!

xoxoxo

T said...

My Dearest Shay,

Just stopping in to wish you a Happy New Year!

I have been catching up on blog reading all night. Saving yours for tomorrow. This way I can devote my time to reading this beautiful writing of yours that I so much enjoy. I will have my Shay Time, a time I enjoy just for me.

Until then,
Much love,
T

Daryl said...

She should have used the September Vogue it weighed in at 4 lb.

xox

Kay said...

nothing like being home for the holidays! haha