Saturday, April 3, 2010

Va Jay Jay, Bay Bay!

Darlings, it's me, Babs, from Objets D'art. Oh, don't start hyperventilating, your favorite little Rimbaud-ette, Fireblossom, will be back dispensing her gloomy poetry and promoting sexual inversion before you know it. But I have a matter of some ridiculous importance to bring up, and I needed an audience. Oh yes, I know, I'm over there at my blog, casting my pearls before swine, but there just aren't very many of them, unfortunately. So I said, "Fireblossom honey, here's twenty dollars; go buy yourself an ink pen without rainbows on it. It's all yours if you give me five minutes on my soapbox at your lovely (*titter*) blog. Well, she went for it, and here I am.

But I digress!

My text today, Lambs, is an outrage perpetrated by the three major American television networks. No, not Bravo, Food Network and Lifetime! I'm talking about ABC, NBC, and CBS.

It seems that the empty suits who decide such things, recoiled in horror when presented with a Kotex ad which actually used the word "vagina." Oh dear. Have I shocked you? Darlings, I hate to be the bearer of such jolting news, but 52% of the world's population have got them. Pssssst, the secret may be out already!

Now, as some of you may know, I do not bleed. I like to think it is because my veins are filled with nothing but the sweetest honey. Let's go with that, shall we? But many women do. Oh, Cupcakes, I thought you knew! Sit down if you need to. No, not on my good sofa! Over there, on the ottoman.

Anyway...the Kotex people went back down into the dungeon where they keep their advertising people, and reshot the ad using the euphemism "down there." What is this, kindergarten? But still. The networks blanched and waved their hands in a dismayed "no." Still too shocking for the American public. Now correct me if I'm wrong, Darlings (Haha! Can you imagine? Me, wrong? This is what we call, saying something for "form's sake.") but I can't even watch the Nightly News without hearing ad nauseum about male erectile dysfunction, not to mention encountering the Colon Lady and that horrid Jamie Lee Curtis playing state-of-your-bowels Grand Inquisitor. It's dispiriting. And besides, it's like I used to say to my sainted late husband: if you need a little blue pill to get excited about me, then just take it with hemlock tea. Dainty little thing that I am. 

So, you nosey parkers, if you would like to find out more about this silliness, go here. You can even create your own spoof ad, or give them your signature. For every signature gained, a dollar will be contributed to Girls For Change.

Lambs, I'm simply exhausted now. I think I'll have RRRRRamon bring the Rolls around and take me back to my own blog. Oh I know, I know. No need to play make believe with me, Darlings, I know you really want Fireblossom back. If you swallow poison and are fresh out of syrup of ipecac, you can read her latest poem, "Ode To Why I'm STILL Not Completely Over That Tiresome Bitch What's Her Name." Oh my. Did I just say the B Word? Out loud? I did, didn't I. Well, just deal with it. At least I didn't say... you know. Down there. Va jay jay. Hoo ha. Vagina.

Well look at that. I said it and the world didn't end!
_______    

  

20 comments:

Mojo said...

Brilliant. =80

Secretia said...

Pretty clever, you little devil!

Secretia

Steve E said...

Brilliant. =100

(I know, I know--grin!)

You are the most witty (Funny? Nah!) blogger I have encountered--is that a "shopping" word?--in my two days of blogging.

Whoever owns this blog, should put sugar in the gas tank of your RRRolls...to keep you away from her--I mean HERE.

Thanks. A LOT!

TALON said...

Ironic, since shows on these networks use the term "pissed off" all the time. Maybe that's okay because it comes out of the mouth? lol!

Yeah, they say "everything old is new again" and apparently we're going backwards in time...

Marion said...

What a magnificent post! Yes, we are forced to here the words 'erectile dysfunction' endlessly, so what the hell is wrong with hearing the beautiful word, 'vagina'? Thanks for informing us of this issue.

Those empty suits need to read the enlightening book, "Her Blood is Gold" by Lara Owen. Hell, each and every one of those dick-heads had to pass through a damn VAGINA to get here! Fabulous post!!

cinderkeys said...

I hadn't heard about this. What would I do without the Internet now that I don't have time for commercial television?

Ily said...

Va jay Jay...that's a fun word...a lil festive with a touch of hip hop to it and it works (at least for me, Chica!).

Sit down..."over THERE, on the ottoman." lol You make me smile, my friend.

It feels like Sunday but it's Saturday...I LOVE IT!!

PS - Tell FB we miss her!

Senorita said...

I love both you and Fireblossom. You are both feisty and me likey the feisty.

I hate the majority of female ads pertaining to the vag. But the worst will always be Always's slogan of "Have a Happy Period"

My vaginal slaughterfests have never been happy. I've always suffered and it gets worse every year.

If it were up to me, I would use the word "snatch" in those ads.

Enough hoo ha talk.

Riot Kitty said...

LMAO @ Senorita!

spottedwolf said...

I was raised by a woman who taught us the proper words from day one and we were expected to use them. I learned early on that I needn't be ashamed or embarrased to buy feminine hygiene things for women.
I think they should educate all men in this area as they do about babies and other things.Some Canadian ads are quite humorous and have a far gentler effect on subjects like this.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Fantastic post!!!!! I totally agree with you.

Bitch, bastard, erectile dysfunction, pissed off and "that sucks" (which oddly enough, I AM offended by-- the suck part) are all over network television-- not to mention horrific violence, and even the stupid commercials with bear shitting in the woods selling toilet paper, but gawd forbid anyone talk about a vagina.

Love, love, love this post. Hope you hijack Fireblossom's again sometime.

xo

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Wow, for some reason sadly this does not shock me, but in some ways it's just so regressive and redonkulous!!!

I thank you for the post and as usual and of course I miss Shay but Babs you said a mouth full when you said we can't hear nor say va jay jay...LOL!

Love you, Miss you...for reals!!!

Scarlett said...

I think men in suits will always be scared of a vagina.

Patty said...

Don't forget to "Have a happy period!"

I like the blue dye they use to simulate blood. Anybody out there bleed blue? How bout you Babs?

mac said...

That Smiling Bob guy is annoying!

I saw an ad for "male enhancement" cream the other day. I immediately called Bullshit on that ad!

First:
If it worked at all, wouldn't we see lots of men walking around with one HUGE hand? Ya got to rub that lotion somehow.

Second:
I'm sure guys with enormous willies enjoy them NO more than guys with average or small ones. You ladies may, or may not, enjoy bigger, but the fella has no more enjoynment from it.
I know if I enjoyed mine anymore, I might need institionalized ;-)


So, unless tampons are lying about their claims, I say let them describe where one would use them.

Mama Zen said...

Bravo!

ellen abbott said...

I hear ya. They can talk all around it or about it but god forbid they should say the name of it. Vagina, Penis.

the walking man said...

Coochie--use the word Coochie.

LceeL said...

Though it's been said before - Brilliant.

SharoninWonderland said...

This was exciting!

You know what?

F*ck censorship!

Dammit....