Pro Forma

The best cat is a black cat. Siamese are the most vocal.

Carpet runners are a sign of impending nervous problems. Keep restraints at the ready.

Boots should be leather or suede, and should make a pleasing sound on hard surfaces--

Marble.

Cement.

Bone.

Return all library materials by the due date; other patrons may be waiting. A drop box is usually available during off hours.

Ladies never spit on the floor.

Old Italian women do, at the mention of philandering husbands or lazy sons in law.

Pay careful attention to grooming and personal hygiene--

Brush.

Bathe.

Remove blood stains before they set.

Choose flattering colors and fabrics. Florals are pretty. Classic black makes a statement.

Cursing is vulgar.

Men are large, but slow. Keep cutting edges honed, and your innermost thoughts to yourself.

Laugh often.

Show some thigh.

Rinse and repeat.

Every woman has a secret name.

So do hurricanes.

A woman's kitchen is the heart of her home; her bedroom its soul.

All women are priestesses. She may be--

Pagan.

Fundamentalist.

Spiritualist.

Wiccan.

Lie to a woman and in your next life you will eat carrion.

Beat a woman and in your next life you will be carrion.

Love a woman and in your next life you will be a lion. This life, too.

Recycle.

Dogs were created so that women could whisper their secrets to someone.

Discard anything you haven't touched in six months.

Water the flowers.

A woman who loves her hair, loves herself.

Wink at your image in the mirror, for luck. If you are not reflected in the glass, it is not you who will need the luck.

All women are nocturnal, answering to--

The moon.

The tides.

Themselves.

And lastly, if you know someone truly loves you, forgive them anything else.

If you know they don't, all their words are empty.

Kiss hard.

Fuck rules.

Protect your little ones,

And sing what you like; you are the only one who knows the tune.

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