Reanimated Lavender Granola Switchblade Nun rides again.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Pro Forma



The best cat is a black cat. Siamese are the most vocal.

Carpet runners are a sign of impending nervous problems. Keep restraints at the ready.

Boots should be leather or suede, and should make a pleasing sound on hard surfaces--

Marble.

Cement.

Bone.


Return all library materials by the due date; other patrons may be waiting. A drop box is usually available during off hours.

Ladies never spit on the floor.

Old Italian women do, at the mention of philandering husbands or lazy sons in law.

Pay careful attention to grooming and personal hygiene--

Brush.

Bathe.

Remove blood stains before they set.


Choose flattering colors and fabrics. Florals are pretty. Classic black makes a statement.

Cursing is vulgar.

Men are large, but slow. Keep cutting edges honed, and your innermost thoughts to yourself.

Laugh often.

Show some thigh.

Rinse and repeat.


Every woman has a secret name.

So do hurricanes.

A woman's kitchen is the heart of her home; her bedroom its soul.

All women are priestesses. She may be--

Pagan.

Fundamentalist.

Spiritualist.

Wiccan.


Lie to a woman and in your next life you will eat carrion.

Beat a woman and in your next life you will be carrion.

Love a woman and in your next life you will be a lion. This life, too.

Recycle.

Dogs were created so that women could whisper their secrets to someone.

Discard anything you haven't touched in six months.

Water the flowers.

A woman who loves her hair, loves herself.

Wink at your image in the mirror, for luck. If you are not reflected in the glass, it is not you who will need the luck.

All women are nocturnal, answering to--

The moon.

The tides.

Themselves.


And lastly, if you know someone truly loves you, forgive them anything else.

If you know they don't, all their words are empty.

Kiss hard.

Fuck rules.

Protect your little ones,

And sing what you like; you are the only one who knows the tune.

_______

37 comments:

  1. Yes!
    Oh Goddess yes!

    I need a smoke now...



    Aloha, Shay Poetess Friend!


    Comfort Spiral

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh wow. So good. I love how you pulled all those do's and don'ts together to paint such imagery.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh boy, I'm a Lion !


    These guidelines should be canonized.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Tomorrow morning when I sit at my office cubicle, I am going to print a copy of this and keep it close to me to remind me of the rules, the ideas that we goddesses truly possess and those that are wired to our souls to remember...thank you so much for the reminder...my soul needs it time to time as it moves to a more static twilight in itself...thank you...

    blessed be dear sister...
    Gabi

    ReplyDelete
  5. You don't mind if I print this, frame it and hang it up at work, do you? I need to rinse and repeat this A LOT, Chica! (Don't we all??)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I've got four dogs over here, one of them is deaf but he's the one that knows my secrets even if I don't tell him.

    PS--I loved Mushy's comment too!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I was almost singing that in my head. Fabulous post... now need to get myself a dog!

    ReplyDelete
  8. YAY!

    I have two siamese cats and they truly are vocal.

    And yes, protect the little ones.

    All excellent rules.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh MY! This reminds me of the video sent... but so very well and wisely improved.
    You are GREAT!
    I cannot quote any of the lines to say, hey I especially loved this or that... I'd have to quote them all, every single one!

    ReplyDelete
  10. this should be a poster on my wall.

    ReplyDelete
  11. See...this is exactly why I have no fear of women because I know all of these rules and incarnations of you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Some spouses may be discarding their mates after reading this, if they haven't touched in 6 months!
    I'll be back again today.

    Secretia

    ReplyDelete
  13. Lie to a woman and in your next life you will eat carrion.

    Beat a woman and in your next life you will be carrion.

    Amen

    ReplyDelete
  14. I know You are the best black cat.

    Secretia

    ReplyDelete
  15. If a woman's kitchen is the heart of her home, then mine is heart burn.

    ReplyDelete
  16. So glad you posted this--I've missed so much of your earlier stuff. This one is like the BEST Hints from Heloise/Vampira/Kali that ever was. Love the carrion lines (that sounds really...sickish, but I know you know what I mean.)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank you for visiting The Friday Forgotten and linking your post. Your imagination and creativity should never lie dusty in a dark corner of your blog. We are happy to help clear away the cobwebs.

    I enjoyed this immensely. Although for vamps and their like it kind of took me back to beat poet days. I felt a need for some soft drums or bongos and wildly played flute that danced in between your strong words. Now I am seeing a vampire beat poet...lol what a thought. But seriously I loved that it was so dare I say forceful?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Great Shay...love all the different sides you portait in women...and all their secret names...glad you posted...missed it the first time...bkm

    ReplyDelete
  19. I think of Medusa - all snaky in fiery beauty - venting some sugar-coated sensual spleen (with a bit of electric shock on the side). So delectably ideal for boots stepping out on marble or cement or bone...

    ReplyDelete
  20. This made me smile, laugh and shout yes, yes, yes!

    ReplyDelete
  21. The third rule from the last is the only rule that's needed... hope to be a lion.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Great advice Shay! Just so for women. Good for men to know though!

    Hank

    ReplyDelete
  23. Indeed, their words are empty.

    Love the bite-sized nuggets here. Peefect for breakfast.

    ReplyDelete
  24. This is either the world's biggest refrigerator magnet, or one of the best poems ever--going with the latter I think. the secret name here seems to be subtlety, stating what may or may not be the obvious as if it totally were, and in the process, bringing out the truths we overlook too often. On this reread, I especially like the ending.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Shay, this is the modern (and feminine) reply to Blake's Proverbs and every bit as noteworthy.

    I'm tucking this one in next to me heart. It never pays to forget (or remember).

    And lastly, if you know someone truly loves you, forgive them anything else.

    If you know they don't, all their words are empty.

    ReplyDelete
  26. its like somebody pressing a burning cigarette on your skin.bravo!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Boots on bone... kissing hard... at night... Yum.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Wow. I am blown away. This is cut to perfection. After the boots/marble/cemment/bone, I felt a descent into madness--but rose again with the hurricanes until by the end I was flying, fully sane again.

    ReplyDelete
  29. A handy poem for sure. Your poem made me smile, Fireblossom:)

    ReplyDelete
  30. all women are nocturnal....yes, i write letters to the moon.

    awesome work, shay!

    come by and visit me, my poetries are missing you!

    stacy lynn mar
    http://warningthestars.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  31. Wow. Now this is a list of twist and turns and rules to live by and rules to be warned by… LOVE it. Wowzers.

    ReplyDelete

Spirit, what do you wish to tell us?