Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Dear Daphne--The Question of The Gravy Boat

Lambs, it's me, Babs St. Argent, from Objets D'art! Having exhausted my throng of two and a half loyal readers, I have decided to be magnanimous and share my favorite advice columnist, "Dear Daphne", with Fireblossom's audience! Why, I feel so kind, like a saintly nun tending the sick in some trackless jungle, except, you know, it's just Word Garden. But still. One does what one can! And so now, without further delay, let's open up the Pompano Beach Inquirer and read "Dear Daphne"!

Dear Daphne,

With the holidays upon us once again, I am worried about how to smooth over an awkward situation with my mother. Recently, my parents arrived for dinner at my house, with my husband Herbert and I. I should tell you that when I met Herbert, I knew he was the love of my life...but my parents never approved.

We were all sitting at the table, when in the middle of his telling a story about something funny that happened at work, my mother suddenly picked up the gravy boat and clocked my beloved Herbert with it. Herbert slumped into his baby asparagus and couldn't be revived, even when I brought out my famous roast of lamb. Complaining that it might be a toll call, my father phoned 911. The paramedics came, and off we all went to the hospital. Herbert never recovered, leaving me peeved with my parents.

You see, Daphne, my precious gravy boat was ruined. I feel that mom should replace it, but whenever I try to tactfully bring it up, she just changes the subject or claims not to remember. How can I make her see that she owes me a new gravy boat?

Miffed In Mississippi

Dear Miffed In Mississippi,

I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost a gravy boat once, and I know how heartbreaking it can be. My deepest sympathies during this difficult time.

Still, life goes on, and it is an unpleasant fact of life that allowances must be made for our elders (especially the ones who can still change the will). So, I suggest that you take a subtle, gentle approach. At your next family gathering, serve your mother's gravy from a dirty, plastic Budweiser ashtray stolen from a redneck biker bar. If she's not completely doddering, she will get the hint. And, if she is completely doddering, what is she doing out of the home, anyway?

Best Wishes,

Daphne

"Dear Daphne" answers are written by M. Zen, senior staff writer at Baby Puppy Productions. In addition to writing her advice column, which appears in 20,000 publications worldwide, including Cardigan Knitters Large Print Weekly and Beefcake Boys Of Biloxi, Ms. Zen is also the author of several books, including You're Not Wearing Those Shoes, Are You?, and Curb Training Your Man. You can also hear her on KCOW radio at noon every Thursday, answering your questions live, on the air. She wants everyone to know that, when she made those remarks about vegetarians last week, she thought the mic was off.
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14 comments:

Blue Bunny said...

deerist fierblossims,

i reeds cardigin nitters in large prints -- each and evry issue, and i loves it! can i gets your and mama zeen's auttograffs, pleze?! Pleeze?? and thanks yoo.

wit loves,

me BB

oxox

Carrie Burtt said...

When i am smiling at the Thanksgiving table eating my potatoes and gravy....it won't be how wonderful the gravy tastes...it will be poor Herbert, Dear Daphne, and "baby puppy productions" that i will be chuckling inside about!! I LOVE this Shay!!! :-)

Lynn said...

Too bad about that gravy boat. :)

Daryl said...

I dont get it, why does gravy need a boat? Wouldnt a small raft work as well?

hedgewitch said...

If the biker bar ashtray fails to do the trick, what about a finger bowl? Hurled at the elderly, they do little damage but make one's point gracefully without awkward words...so much more refined, also.

Kay said...

very cute :) (and clever)

La Belette Rouge said...

Dear Tiger-Friend,
I was thinking something less classy, how about an emesis basin? Yeah, I know. But it is so sickening that it might make her jump from the table and head to Tiffany's and do the right thing and replace the boat that went missing. ;-)
LOL!
xoxo
Weasel-friend

Lulú said...

Who gives a frog's freckled ass about Herbert?? It's that gravy boat we all knew and loved that we miss...especially a day before the day of all days.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, CHICA! Enjoy the gravy.

PS - What a wise and witty woman that Mama Zen is. You two make a fabulous duo. I have to think up a question for the both of you! :)

Sherry Blue Sky said...

So hilarious. The two of you together are way over the top. Question: my mind being as it is, enfeebled, am I the half a follower? hee hee.

Cloudia said...

where horsies went?



Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral

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Caty said...

this was the funniest thing I've read all month! I'll be giggling in my sleep

TALON said...

lol! It's soooo annoying when gravy boats get damaged especially in this critical gravy boat holiday season.

Daphne, your advice is priceless!

Lisa said...

There are some seriously Disturbed people around here....

I LOVE IT :D

------^> (feeble attempt at a thumbs up)

Cheryl said...

Beefcake Boys of Biloxi is my personal fave.

Ohm namaste!