The Vampire Hunter

The Vampire Hunter hides in the shadows of a doorway,

Like a crucifix hung on the wall of some mothball priest's gloomy wood-paneled office.

He kisses the silver cross he wears around his neck.

All his life,

He has waited for this moment.

The years of training and study,

The hardships,

The self-denial and renunciation of women,

Vice,

And all things secular and sensual,

Culminate now.

The Queen Of The Vampires is walking towards him, down the sidewalk.

Her leather boots, her pea coat, her scarlet scarf and mittens,

All identify her,

For he has studied her.

Year upon year, through the miserable, solitary evenings, he has learned her ways

So that he might kill her

And find favor with God.

Now she is nearly within his grasp! He can see her, almost feel her, falling fatally into his trap.

Her heightened senses are distracted because she is listening to Morrissey on her ipod. The song is "All The Lazy Dykes."

She is dreaming of the latte she will get at Danny's Coffee Shop, two blocks away.

Giddy with anticipation, The Vampire Hunter is incredulous when a truck pulls up and a dark haired woman shouts,

"Heyyyy! How ya doin'?"

His eyes bug out and he gestures frantically for her to go away.

"Listen, dude, would ya like to buy some Girl Scout cookies? How about it?"

They must be able to hear her in the next county. How can this be happening?

The QOTV stops in her tracks and waits as the truck screeches in reverse and backs up beside her.

The Dark Haired Chick, for it is none other, purrs,

"Thin mint?"

The QOTV grins and gets in.

They head for Danny's.

Both women blow a kiss to the Vampire Hunter as they speed past.

At Danny's, Chloe is idly scanning the free newspapers by the door as the QOTV and the D.H.C. blow in.

"Hey girl," says the D.H.C.

The QOTV winks.

"Bitch-es," says Chloe, in a clipped accent, as if she were a maitre'd saying, "La-dies."

Then she casually reaches over and turns the lock on the door, just as the Vampire Hunter comes running up.

He pounds on the glass, nearly foaming with frustration.

Chloe goes back to reading her StreetBeat.

Denise, the waitress, is on her smoke break, and she squints at him through a cloud,

As if he were some odd fish flopping about on the sidewalk.

However, there is at least one tender heart in every room, and God walks over to the door and slips outside.

"Sucks to be you," She says.

"What?" he asks, wheezing like a leaky tire.

"Stop stalking my girls," says God, and with that, two beautiful angels descend from Heaven and carry the Vampire Hunter away with them.

Later, they deposit him in some guy's soy bean field.

Sometimes, even the best laid plans go awry,

And that is why

It is best to approach all endeavors with a certain flexibility,

And also, whenever possible,

A grande mocha from Danny's in a to-go cup.

_______